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Living With Dignity

anthonyekanem@gmail.com

ISBN: 9783968588049

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or in a database, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission from the author/publisher.

Dedication

To my late mother, Mrs Mama Udo Ekanem, who lived a life of dignity throughout her lifetime, and passed on the virtue to her children.

Acknowledgement

I acknowledge the authors and writers whose works I used in preparing this text, most of whom I acknowledged in the References page at the end of this book.

My special thanks go to my family for their patience and understanding during the time of writing this book.

Preface

Dignity is the intrinsic value and worth of a human being. Everyone is born with it, regardless of gender, social status, education, race, religion, creed, and other factors that may distinguish one person from another. The sad news, however, is that we are all vulnerable to having our dignity violated by other people.

Dignity violation comes in many forms. When a man is tortured by other people or by security agents, his dignity is violated. When a woman is raped or forced into other forms of sexual relationship, her dignity is violated. When an individual is socially excluded for any reason, their dignity is violated.

When an individual is put down, ridiculed, humiliated, or embarrassed in front of other people, their dignity is violated. Other examples of dignity violation include labour exploitation, child labour, child abuse in any form, and slavery. Poverty, whether absolute or relative, is also a form of human dignity violation. In short, when someone is treated poorly in any form or any way, it is a violation of their dignity.

Many people consider dignity to mean the same thing as respect. This conception is wrong. Dignity is the intrinsic value and worth of the human being. It is the quality of being worthy of honour. You don't need to do anything to have it. All human beings are born free and equal in both dignity and rights. Dignity is an inalienable gift by God to man. Therefore, all humans deserve to be treated in a dignified manner, regardless of who they are or what they are.

Respect, on the other hand, is something that you earn, and it can be taken away. If I say I respect you, it means that you must have done something remarkable to earn my respect. I feel admiration for you. It means you are a role model for how I want to live. To respect someone means to show admiration for that person for their abilities, qualities or accomplishments. Others respect you for what you have achieved, experienced and how you handle yourself. So, respect is conditional, unlike dignity which is a given.

Many people, regardless of their race, education and social status, do not understand what dignity is, or what it means to treat people with dignity. So we have a collective ignorance about all matters relating to dignity. And because of the ignorance, even good people with good intentions can violate others without knowing it.

Living With Dignity is an attempt to address this ignorance. And as the subtitle of the book suggests, dignity is all about how to treat people, the same way you would like them to treat you. The core elements of dignity discussed in the book include:

Accepting people as they are – people want others to treat them well no matter their race, religion, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation.

Acknowledging people – for their hard work and a job well done.

Safety of people – make people feel safe both physically and psychologically, so they feel free from humiliation.

Validation of people – for the suffering they have endured if maltreated.

Fairness and Justice – treat people in an even-handed way.

Inclusion of People – make people feel a sense of belonging, no matter their social status and where they are.

Understanding other People – do not be in a hurry to judge or condemn people; give them a chance to share their perspective.

Empowerment of people – empower people so they can be independent and avoid micro-managing people.

The benefit of the doubt – give people the benefit of the doubt. Treat them as trustworthy (at least in the first instance).

Taking Responsibility for your actions – be accountable for all of your actions. Apologise when you have caused someone else harm.

Not many people know how to treat others with dignity, even though we are all born with it. You should learn to treat others with dignity and practise it every day.

Dignity education and enlightenment are necessary to avoid calamities in relationships, the workplace, and the society at large. Healthy relationships at all levels are those that are mutually honouring of other's dignity. When people have their dignity violated, it creates conflicts and relationships can suffer.

As mentioned earlier, you need to understand that wounds to human dignity are as real as a physical wound. Research has shown that when others violate our dignity, it shows up in the brain in the same area as a physical wound. Dignity violations are real and very painful and humiliating. We need to protect our vulnerable dignity the same way we protect our physical wellness.

To protect our dignity and the dignity of others requires us to make ourselves vulnerable. For instance, if we make a mistake or violate someone's dignity, our immediate reaction is to save our face and cover up our bad behaviour. Even though we feel we are protecting our image by doing so, the fact is that we are not telling the truth. We are also violating our dignity in the process, not to mention breaking the dignity of other people.

Those who suffer from dignity violation always withdraw from the relationship or they fight with the person who violated them. Another consequence is gossip. When someone's dignity is violated, and they don't feel safe to confront the person who violated them, they resort to gossip. Talking negatively about someone is a quick way of punishing them without having to face him.

Dignity awareness is the result of educating oneself about dignity and the vital role it plays in our lives and relationships. The ignorance of most people about dignity is not surprising because our educational system does not address this critical aspect of our social development.

Hopefully, this book will help you become more aware of how to honour dignity in others and develop the skills necessary to Live with Dignity.

Enjoy your reading.

Introduction

Dignity is an essential element in human existence. It is our inherent value and worth as humans, and we are all born with it. We have little trouble seeing dignity at work when a child is born. There is no question about whether the new-born baby is something of value. We regard children as invaluable, priceless and irreplaceable. That is dignity at work.

How do we treat a valuable, priceless and irreplaceable thing? We give it our most exceptional attention and care. Even though we are all worthy of this attention and care, we are also vulnerable to violations of our dignity. Treating others with dignity, then, becomes the starting point of our relationship. You are not required to do anything for others to treat you with dignity.

Treating people with dignity means treating them the way you would like them to treat you. You have the right to lead a dignified life, so do other people. So, regardless of who you are or what you are, you need to treat others with dignity. You treat someone with dignity when you lend a helping hand, stand up for a friend, or recognise the qualities and talents that make every individual unique.

It is when you treat people with dignity that you can achieve most of your heart desires. Such desires may include being good in academics if you are a student, making friends, living a happy life, and even making a difference in your immediate environment or the larger society.

To have dignity means to be valued and to treat others with value. For example, if someone takes a picture of you that reflects your true self, that shows respect for you and strengthens your dignity. On the other hand, if a photo of you in a situation you don't want to be seen in is shown to others, that shows disrespect for you, and you might feel someone has hurt your dignity.

When people experience violation of their dignity, they feel a desire for revenge against those who violated them.

More often than not, many leaders, managers, and others find it difficult and challenging to honour the dignity of the people that work with them. Although honouring dignity is not a simple task, it is something that can be learned. Lack of "dignity consciousness" means that people have not learned how to treat others in a way that demonstrates value and appreciation. What is missing here is dignity education and dignity consciousness. For instance, it is easy to discriminate against someone different from you. Many people have an inborn bias towards people who are most like them. You have to work hard to overcome that bias and treat everyone in a fair and evenhanded manner.

When you engage in dignity violating behaviours that are at the core of most conflicts, you are driven by self-preservation instincts that bring out the worst in you. You can do much better than that. You need to raise the conversation with an understanding of dignity, which is what we all yearn for, and it is our highest common denominator. The way to this higher ground is to have dignity consciousness. And you can achieve this by educating yourself – taking the time to learn about it and to practise honouring your dignity and the dignity of others. And that is what this book is meant to achieve.

Looking bad in the eyes of other people is something we all try to avoid like a plague. Instead of looking bad in the eyes of others, our instincts want us to cover up, lie, and even blame and shame others rather than turning over a new leaf. Dignity consciousness enables us to override these base instincts and take responsibility for our actions, and in so doing, maintaining our dignity.

If you are a leader, for example, and you want to create a culture of dignity in your organisation, it is essential to develop policies that honour dignity. You need to consider the consequences of all your actions and decisions. Ask yourself: Are the policies you are putting in place fair? Do you give people the benefit of the doubt? Are you giving people the needed independence and freedom to work without being micromanaged? You need to be conscious of all the elements of dignity and assess how the policies are either honouring them or not.

Leaders and managers all over the world commit a great deal of time, effort and resources to their professional development. These include advanced degrees and work experiences that have gotten them to where they are. If they dedicated a fraction of the time to educate themselves about dignity, they would improve their capacity to become not just good leaders but great leaders. Once they have learned how to honour dignity, to practise it daily becomes easy.

Chapter 1

Accept Other People As They Are

It is normal to wish that other people were different, just as it is reasonable to wish that you were different. It is fine to try to influence others in skilful and ethical ways. However, problems arise when you tip into righteousness, resistance, anger, fault-finding, pestering, or any other kind of struggle.

To accept other people as they are does not mean allowing yourself to be maltreated or walked over by others. It means that you stop resisting the "what is" of the present moment by wishing it was different.

Accepting other people as they are does not mean agreeing with them, approving of them, waiving your rights, or downplaying their impact on you. It is about treating people as neither inferior nor superior to you. It is giving others the freedom to express themselves without the fear of being negatively judged. And it is about interacting with others without prejudice or bias; and accepting the way race, religion, gender, social class, sexual orientation, age and disability, are at the core of human identities. Understand that every human being has integrity and accept them just as they are.

However, you can take appropriate actions to protect or support yourself or others. Or you can let other people be themselves. Either way, you accept the truth and reality of the other person. You may not like it, and you may feel sad or angry about it; but at a deeper level, you will be at peace with yourself. That alone is energising. And sometimes, your decision to accept others as they are can help things get better than if you tried to change them.

You may be unable to accept someone, or many people, for countless reasons, and this has led you to think, speak or act negatively. For example, you may have difficulty accepting your spouse because he or she snores. He or she may also have little interest in sex or is unable to keep and maintain high personal hygiene. For other people, acceptance may be difficult for various reasons. But whatever the reasons are, remember that you can disagree with, make requests of, or stand up to other people and still accept them entirely.

When you accept other people, you can tolerate whatever comes up for you. And many times, you avoid accepting other people as a way of avoiding the feelings you would have if you accepted them. Now, consider how you got entangled with this other person, struggling to change him or her. When you do this, you will become aware of your rightness or wrongness, judgments, narrow views, hurts, longings, grievances and remorse. See if you can let go of some or even all of these entanglements. You will experience the comfort, the relief, and the peace of mind that come when you so do.

Also, consider how much you will like it when you know that someone else accepts you completely, just the way you are. It is a beautiful gift which you can also give to others when you accept them. Imagine how it can help improve your relationship with someone if that person knows that you accept him or her fully. Accepting others is a gift that gives back to the giver.

HOW TO ACCEPT OTHERS AS THEY ARE

You may have, at one time or another, had a hard time "fitting in" somewhere. Whether it was at school or work, in a group of friends, or even in your family, you can relate to feeling unaccepted at one time or the other. On the flip side, you can also think of a time when you had trouble accepting other people.

Acceptance is the ability to allow other people to be who they are. That means having a right to their opinions, feelings and thoughts. When you accept people as they are, you let go of your desire to change them. You allow them to feel the way they want to feel, and you let them be different and think differently from you. Everyone is different in one way or the other. Once you come to terms with this truth, you will be able to stop trying to change others to the people you want them to be, and start accepting them for who they are.

Acceptance of others is not easy when people act differently from the way you do. Many of us have trouble accepting those who are different. By learning the skill of acceptance as enunciated in this book, you will be better able to understand yourself and those who are different from you.

Acceptance of other people means dropping judgment and expectations of how you think people should act. It also means releasing the superiority complexes you might pick up at times when you feel more evolved spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. The truth is that you will never fully know what is going on in someone else's life. You may not know the full truth and all their stories; though, many times, you may try to write your version of their stories to suit your ego's best interest.

We have all been given very different lots in life, and so how we handle what life throws at us will be different. The point here is that it is not your duty to judge others for how they live their lives. It is not even your job to change people to make them "better" or more tolerable. Your job is to live in love and truth consistently.

When you accept others the way they are, you give them the space to find their path and learn their truth. To accept others as they are does not mean that you have to participate in their stories or mentalities. With acceptance and compassion, comes healthy boundaries.

If you are struggling in a relationship or situation with another person, try switching your mindset to allow them to be where they are on their path at that moment. Do not try to change them. Do not allow yourself to get wrapped up in their story. Just accept them and notice what happens.

In today's fast-changing world, it is essential to know how to be more accepting of others regardless of their beliefs, viewpoints, or opinions. Take the steps below to learn to be more accepting of others and embrace all the differences that others have to offer.

Watch your thoughts.

Think about what you are thinking. We often believe things about other people, judging them, without even realising it. Work on paying more attention to your thoughts and do your best to push them in a non-judgmental, more accepting direction.

Do not try to control other's feelings.

Have you ever tried to render help to someone with a problem, but felt that no matter what you do, you would not get through to them? Maybe you wanted to make them "see things your way," or "think more rationally." And in the end, they could not come around to your way of thinking. If this happened, the problem was not with the person you were trying to help, but with your approach to helping them.

When feelings are involved, there is no right or wrong answer. So, rather than trying to control or change other people's opinions, you must accept them. You must allow people to have and express their feelings without telling them how they should feel. Empathetic people understand that emotions are difficult to control, and they accept people’s feelings for what they are.

Allow others to be different.

We are all different. We live in a world of over seven billion people, as at the time of writing this book, according to the World Population Review. How can you then expect everyone to share the same beliefs and viewpoints as you? One of the most important ways of learning to accept others is to accept the fact that we are all different. Everyone has their story and something that makes them unique. So, rather than fight this fact, embrace it and become closer to accepting others.

The world would have been a very dull place to live in if everyone was the same as everyone else. If everyone were to look the same, have the same personality, the same interests and the same experiences, we would all lose interest in other people very quickly. Fortunately, each of us has a unique set of qualities that make us different from everyone else in the world. Even though we all know that these individual differences are for good, we sometimes feel uncomfortable with them. It is either we try to change people who are different from us, or we avoid or even ignore them completely.

You should be compassionate by having an open mind and accepting these differences. So, the next time you are around someone who appears to be your exact opposite, try and challenge yourself to know that person better. Find out more about them, and you will come out of the conversation feeling that you are not as different as you first thought. You will feel closer to that person, and as a result, you will be better able to understand them.

Give considerate advice.

Once you learn to allow others the right to their feelings, and the right to be different, you will be able to give better advice.

Have you ever spoken to other people about your problems, only to have them give you terrible advice? They may have responded in a way that made you wonder if they were listening to anything you were saying in the first place! Those people were probably listening to you, but they failed to put much consideration into their responses. Or, they let their feelings get in the way of yours. To show compassion, you must learn to give advice in a way that is in line with other people’s unique sensibilities, characteristics and personality.

Look out for the positive.

The inability to accept others is a result of seeing the negative in them. So, instead of focusing on the negative side of an individual, focus on the good side of that person, their choices and actions. Know that your way may not always be the best one. So, rather than looking at the negatives when learning to accept others, think about the positives of the experience. Every time you accept other people for who they are, you are opening up your life to new friends, new experiences, new opportunities and a new chance to learn how to accept others.

Do not be quick to judge.

It is easy to look at others and point out their faults. Sometimes we judge and criticise people without even realising it. A better and empathetic response would be to focus on the good in other people. When you accept other people as they are, it means you understand they are doing the best they can do at the moment. Remember, if they could do better, they would. Your judgment of other people is often a result of your criticisms. If you stop putting pressure on yourself to do things the "right" way, you will also stop putting pressure on others as well. Not judging yourself or others is an important step to acceptance.

Do not compare people.

The key to accepting other people as they are is not to compare them. To compare one person to another is like comparing a man to a woman. Unfortunately, most of us are guilty of this. We compare ourselves to others, and we also compare other people to some set standards. According to Theodore Roosevelt, "Comparison is the thief of joy." What he meant by this is that we will never be happy if we always compare ourselves to other people. This is because there will always be someone better, smarter or more luxurious than we are. So, instead of comparing people, you must accept that each person is on a different path in life.

Focus on the Present.